Dec 12/ 08- Being Back Home

Being Back @ Home Korea
December 12, 2008

It's been five days since I got out of China, and a recent email from Emily captures my sentiments rather accurately:
"Home still feels pretty familiar. But at the same time, I kind of feel like I'm acting my life here, not really living it; the whole thing is just surreal." (sorry I did not ask for author's permission before printing this- and Emiliy I will respond to you soon sorry- been hectic lately:)
Since getting back home on Monday night, I've been spending the last few days with Zoe and Kyuri looking around various palaces, temples, galleries and other tourist places (another yak on this coming soon) and after Zoe left yesterday morning, went out with my Korean friends for a night. Perhaps it's the fact that I was still with two Dragons alums and visiting tourist sites (with a Lonely Planet for Korea in my hand), but as Emily wrote, I cannot get over how both familiar and surreal living at home feels.
Zoe was joking about how her stay in Korea was a kind of "an extension of the Dragons program. I feel like I'm doing an urban homestay at a minority village," (thanks Zoe, I'm just another Chinese minority :p ) and Kyuri couldn't stop repeating in her singy voice: "JY, I can't get over the fact that we're done with the Dragons." I responded that we're done with the Dragons and it's time to start new life, but I'm realizing I'm having difficulties moving on myself as well.
I never experienced that much of a culture shock when I arrived in China, since Chinese culture is not too different from the Korean one and I've already been to China numerous times. So although I'm right at home culturally back home, similar culture also has downsides of everything I do here in Korea being a reminder of my Dragons experience in China.
Living in a forest of apartments with everybody looking almost identical to Han Chinese, I feel like I'm in another Chinese metropolitan city. Xian for some reason felt like Seoul- its city wall and old architecture spread throughout the city- I don't know why but Tang Dynasty architecture seems close to Korea's Choseon architecture despite five centuries between them. Seoul's a little warmer than Beijing, but the crazy traffic and the Lonely Planet's sad-but-true description of Seoul as a city of 'hypercapitalism with 10 million employees dedicated to the pursuit of a capital accumulation, conscpicuous consumption and social, educational and corporate ladder climbing' tell me that these two cities are not that different.
Perhaps I felt Seoul's crazy competitiveness more because all my friends I met last night just went through the gruelling college process, but I'm not sure if I'm ready to get back into this competitive spirit from being on the Dragons program. I loved how chill our group was. We didn't get a chance to do a lot of lessons we were plannin on doing, and we cut out a lot from our itinerary, but we went by the Chinese spirit of 'manmanlai' and it was a pleasant trip.
Sitting under the overwhelming city lights in a cafe, I missed the simplicity and stillness of Baibicun, Qinghai Tibetan village (sorry forgot the name- love the chief though), and Tashkorgan. And returning home, I've also realized that while the Dragons exposed me to some new cultures and ideas, it has also insulated me from others. As I was driving back from the airport, I felt the brunt of the financial crisis by how dark and gloomy the city was. (Still pretty bright according to Zoe but Seoul's usually a really colorful city). Mom explained that because Korean Won (currency) is worth practically nothing right now, the city was doing everything it could do save money and many of the buildings and bridges had their lights off or dimmed down.
Mom also told me that my family had lost significant money in mutual funds after the crisis and told me to start working as a SAT or other academic tutor for wealthy Korean kids studying in the US. Ideally, I would like to be teaching underpriviledged kids like the Tibetan ones we met in Qinghai, but when I need to make my own spending money myself, I cannot resist the temptation of making $50/hour teaching rich kids over more needy kids.
As I'm about to start making money, I'm also reminded of the teenage workers in China I met. It was a weird experience getting a message from a fellow 18 year old at one of the massage shops and it upset me to see so many kids and teenagers working at street shops. Adolescents should be studying and dreaming for a better future. As youths, I always thought it was our right to not worry about making money for our next meal or the roof above us, but realized on the trip that this was not the case for so many kids we saw in China.
Talking about money, I'm sad to confess that the low-budget thing did not quite get on the plane with me and now I'm back on my expensive and unsustainable (I don't know about financially but definitely environmetnally) lifestyle. Yesterday, after hanging out with my friends, I could not be bothered to walk 25 minutes back home and tried to find a taxi (which was unsuccessful unfortunately so I walked.. :( I spent a lot of money visiting various tourist sites (almost always on taxis) and eating whatever I wanted regardless of the price. Kyuri has started keeping track of everything she spends money on, but I'm too lazy to do that myself. Should I live on a tighter budget now that I've experienced eating the same rice and one vegetable dish three times a day and seen how great the income disparity is first hand? What should I take away from my encounter with poverty? Sense of guilt? Priviledge? I'm still planning on spending as much money as I did before travelling around the world for the rest of the year, but should that plan change?
Another more thing I've been struggling with has been loneliness. I felt a little less of this when Zoe was staying with me and I was hanging out with Kyuri, but with both of them now back home, I've been feeling rather empty. It was great to see my family and old Korean Korean friends (as well as Korean-American friends whom I'd be seeing very soon as they go on break), but it's not the same without my Dragons crew. Even as I was eating Chinese food a few nights ago, I couldn't help but be reminiscent of crazy rambunctious dirty talks we've enjoyed over a few of our last suppers and the food doesn't take as good without Ikia, Emily, Jess and Kyuri going into their own lands.
As I'm working on booking my Round-the-world ticket right now, I'm torn between my adrenaline rush for adventure and fear of being lonely. I'm rather unstable emotionally and depended a lot on the group for support, and whom am i gonna lean on now and to whom am i gonna complain? I think a lot aloud and release my emotions and frustrations through talking, and everyone on the trip had been such great listeners. Who's gonna cover up my mistakes, make sure I'm not too dumb so don't kill myself, and who's gonna forgive me now? I had blown quite signifcant sum of our group fund, and I would have had very difficult time forgiving myself had the group not been so supportive of me. I'm still grateful to Lear for having a smile on in Kashgar as he boarded the train one minute before its departure because of the missing passports (which somehow was in my bag), and the group sent me to Xian at extra costs even though I lost some money trying to secure train tickets. Although I'm seeing some friends in India, New Zealand and hopefully Zoe in Europe, I will be spending significant portion of my time solo and am I ready for this? Dragons taught me how to travel solo safely, but I don't know if I'm ready mentally. At some points during the trip, (such as the 7 hour meeting), I was so frustrated at the group because of our inefficiency as a big group that I wished I were travelling alone. But when I was alone in Xian, while watching the amazin terra cotta warriors, seeing these clay figures have so many friends, I missed the group so much and had very fine Mark not been there, I would have been pretty seriously depressed. (btw, another yak on Xian later)
And I'm also delighted that my mom has already begun the culture of hospitatliy even before I arrived back home (well, she has been an amazingly kind woman all her life- but my mom's too lazy to read this Yak in English so I guess there isn't much point in flattering her... ). I had made Couchsurfing account and put my house up for visitors to crash (oh, you Dragons alums are always welcome btw- dragons alums get a special Cloudland experience if they come to my house- esp. you Chris), and without telling me, Mom had already signed up my house for international students home stay every weekend and last Saturday, we got a Jordanian Ph.D student who delightfully surprised my conservative dad who came back from work and was shocked to find that a Muslim woman wearing black head cover is staying the night at my house. In twenty minutes, I'm going to pick up a 19-year-old Japanese student and 21 year old Chinese student which I'm excited to spend the weekend with.
Gotta get pretty & ready for my guests for now, but more yaks coming soon.
Miss you guys all. A Lot.